Writer’s note: This post is going to talk about bodily functions up to and including crapping. If you have a vivid imagination or are easily grossed out you might want to skip this post. I don’t feel these are things people should really be ashamed about so I’m mentioning it with hopes that it’ll help educate other people who end up as scared as I was. Hopefully people googling their symptoms will end up here and not feel as lost as I did.
I had actually planned to update about the Vacation this weekend. Then something rather remarkable happened to me on Sunday. I ended up sick, exceptionally sick, I was experiencing something that I don’t recall ever experiencing before.
The short hand of it is that I likely got a bad Gastrointestinal Infection of some kind [food poisoning or something of that nature]. To say that the pain was crippling would be literal. The pain was so intense that I ended up almost instantly becoming drenched in sweat once I felt it. It was a strange experience to be there with a dry shirt and then seemingly without transition feeling as though I had fallen into a pool. There was no position I could take that made it anything less than horrifying.
It was a terrible experience and for a few minutes during it I literally thought I was going to die. There was no doubt in my mind that something truly terrible had happened to me. The pain was on a level I had never felt and didn’t even fathom could happen without disembowelment. I was so intensely subdued that I could barely send a text for water, much less voice just how terrible I felt and how genuinely scared I was.
Next part is going to get kinda graphic, but only slightly, just note it involves butts. It’s not human centipede bad though, so its all good. No blood involved so its not a total horror show. If your story is like mine but also features blood you should stop reading this and contact a doctor immediately I think, maybe do it anyways just to be safe. [No images mind you, just writing]
Bioshock infinite was for me one of those rare experiences in gaming where something truly entranced me. I tried my best to stay away from the internet between when I bought it (before vacation) and when I finally got to play it (last week and again this weekend).
This game is wonderful and beautiful. It’s a difficult game to talk about because so much of it is tied to the story. I’m sure that most previews told far too much of the story and I am saddened for anyone that walked into Bioshock with any more information than I had.
I’m going to give this game a review right now and then I’m going to carry on into the spoiler world after the cut. It is in your best interest to stop reading if you plan on ever playing it or experiencing it. It’s also in your best interest to play it now before someone spoils it for you.
If you press end on your keyboard you should be able to jump down to my theory on the ending without seeing any pictures that might spoil things. But I highly suggest playing the game before reading anything else about this game.
Google Glass is seen as a dangerous new step into the global panopticon. It is a well known truth that people act differently when they don’t know if they are or are not being monitored. But the question you should be asking is why?
This, I think, is a simple question to answer. I call it the Facebook life, this is perhaps ironic because it has existed for thousands upon thousands of years. We have all been doing it from the moment we could speak for ourselves. The Facebook life is one where you omit the things or events in your life that you feel are negative while praising and preaching about the things you feel are positive.
What is a negative thing? Generally a negative event or personal trait is one that you think is uncommon in the population. Uncommon traits are usually considered (and perhaps are) uncommon because they are selected against either sexually or culturally (which can in turn be selected against sexually as nobody wants to mate with you). But there is beneath this a dirty little secret. Those things about yourself that you loathe, those things you would never share with anyone around you, they are all almost certainly not uncommon.
In fact I imagine most of the people you meet share some, or all, of your quirks to some varying degree. But the people around you also are hiding those traits. This closed loop likely began a long time ago when someone in a position of cultural shifting power decided that something was unacceptable or “Taboo”. After this it became self regulating as everyone denied their affiliation with that trait and began punishing those that exposed it.
I call this system the Facebook life because they function exactly the same. Every single Facebook friend you have is lying to you. Some because they are afraid and others because of disinterest or perhaps a separate reason. Lies of omission or downright revisionist ramblings flood yours and all Facebook walls.
Long before Facebook people did this and likely for long after Facebook people will continue to do this. That is, unless something like Google Glass becomes globally the norm. I say like Google Glass because it is not really the answer. What you need is some kind of unified mental connection between all people.
There are probably very few traits that are entirely universal but I would guess that most traits are well over the 50% mark. The problem is that with the more taboo feelings you can find the expression of these traits to be career or even life ending. This is because the person you reveal yourself to may be of that minority that does not genuinely share your belief and when they expose you those who do share your belief may (and usually do not) support you for fear that they might be “the only other one”. This can snowball and that danger is what keeps people locked up inside themselves.
Nearly everyone goes through their lives assuming that they are living lesser than those around them because of this. That they are somehow dirtier, or that their lives are less meaningful. Each person sees the yard of their neighbors and wishes that their grass was that straight and gorgeous when really you are just seeing a looping video. Their actual yard looks just like yours, frayed and unkempt.
I don’t believe any cultural progress has been made because of a collective intellectual growth. Instead I suspect that each great step in our various cultures have come in steps. The first is that there is a coincidental surrendering of privacy to a group of persons. This could be done accidentally or intentionally, the only thing that matters is that it was done coincidentally by a large enough group of people.
Basically when your secret gets out at the same time as a large number of other people with the same secret there will be two simultaneous chain reactions. The first is that people will see just how big your group is and question their preconceived notions about you being uncommon and broken (or whatever other negative word you wish). The second is that you will now have an open group to discuss your personal traits with. This support group will, if large enough, generate more members as more people begin to divulge that they too are part of this group.
Because so many traits are shared with so many people this will usually result in that thing becoming accepted at the macro level. This is not because the people demonizing you have become better people morally but because they have either realized they were wrong or have accepted that they have lost control of the situation.
Either way you have one less weight on your shoulders. This is what is happening now with homosexuality, a coincidental surrendering of privacy among a great number of people (and people in positions of “importance”) all revealed they were gay. This in turn results in the non-coincidental addition of new members which is unstoppable without some incredibly bastardly acts (wars, genocide, etc).
Anytime you see this situation unfolding you can safely assume that the topic at hand will be commonly accepted within your lifetime assuming the knee jerk isn’t overly murderous.
So back to Google Glass. As this sort of privacy surrendering culture grows and becomes more socially accepted it will in turn make more things socially acceptable. As each taboo is revealed to be less and less uncommon we will approach them more and more objectively. It will likely not be a fast process and the reason for that is pretty simple. The Facebook life has been around for ages and the current generations all are far too engrained with it to be comfortable with the new “real “ life.
Once it becomes commonplace for people to share their literal thoughts (the data in your mind) across wireless communication, something akin to telepathy, and we can all see just how similar we are I suspect that things like violence and bigotry will become very much retarded. Their power comes from the The Emperor’s New Clothes and the second everyone realizes their accuracy is a farce the illusion is destroyed.
It will take a lot more than a silly always-on face camera, but the point stands. Our privacy is a remnant of this cultural error. It’s based on the fallacy that we have things to be embarrassed about. The things that make you you are very common with the things that make your neighbor, mother, cousin, or boss them.
A global entertainment market wouldn’t work in skeletons-in-the-closet world we convince ourselves actually exists. So yeah I have high hopes for a few generations from now when people are syncing up their brains. A time when you can love and accept who you are and know that you aren’t alone. That’s a beautiful future indeed.
Here I sit, in California, more awake than I’ve been since I got back from the trip. Many unknowns still plague my mind and the question of what comes next is unusually difficult for me to answer. But I’ve got good music jingling in my ears and I want to finally start discussing our trip to Europe. It was, as is true with so many beautiful moments in my life, tainted in some places but still grand.
I’m wondering if there is just a rule that I cannot enjoy myself without someone trying to ruin it for me. Perhaps in the multiverse I am a great villain and this world is my penance, but that discussion and specifically what (and who) I am talking about will come soon.
I would like to start this discussion about my vacation just as I hope to end it, memory permitting. I thank Jeff for watching, feeding, and caring for our kittens in our absence. There is so little I have genuinely taken away from my job compared to the time I’ve put in, but I care about Jeff like I do my own brother. He has joined a small group of people that are not legally kin but I still feel kinship too. Tough to explain, very few people have had an impact on me like he has. But onward…to Paris.
A little taste before the text wall.
I walked more miles in our two days in Paris than I believe I’ve ever walked in any 2 day period in my entire life. Our hotel guy said that we walked half the distance of Paris on the first day which means in the two days we walked the diameter of Paris. Did we see everything? Hardly, nowhere close, but we did see quite a lot. My mood when I first wrote about our trip was one of bemusement, I did not yet know of the looming darkness of the man-child back in the states. I wrote a little joke about what Tourists meant in French.
After all our photo taking I realized that Tourist was French for Asshole. That isn’t to say that we were above such titles, indeed there were times where we were tourists. In almost all my photos you will have trouble finding genuine French people, but tourists are drawn to the camera. They see you lining up a shot and run into it. There is nowhere they wish to go, of course, they just wish to stand in the middle of your shot. A tourist doesn’t leave the shot until a large army of people are coming. Their job is complete and they can go on happy.
I wonder how many gigs of images from that trip were not taken by us but have us in them? How many lives have we stealthily entered into? Am I sitting in the background of an image on someone’s coffee table right now? Do they notice me? I wonder what I was thinking when the shot was taken.
Our first few hours in Paris were tough. Every building is a hundred miles long and air conditioning is not only unseen but actively combated against. The airport and bus station were a hundred thousand degrees as was the case with nearly any indoors area we came across.
Our credit card was locked and the collect call number on the back was blocked (thanks Capital One). I ended up having the (I think) clever idea of calling through Skype to their US number. It cost me all of 0 dollars and I am almost willing to forgive Skype for being terrible in every other respect. I told the agent on the phone that they were blocking collect calls on their number and he seemed indifferent, I found that to be a bit disappointing.
Once our funds were squared away we began walking. We walked and walked, mile after mile, it began with a walk down towards the Louvre. You might think you have an idea for how big the Louvre is but I will tell you that you are wrong. “But I’ve been to it.” You might retort, still I believe you haven’t a genuine clue. Neither do I, it seemed to go on forever in each direction. The Louvre was very near our Hotel (Hotel Crayon) but that only meant you had its great girth to traverse before you were close to home.
On the first day I actually did not have a Camera with me, either this or I was entirely drunk on the moment. Foreign names, grand buildings, and a deluge of tobacco smoke had overwhelmed my senses. There is a syndrome commonly associated with Japanese tourists that describes an unquenchable depression one has when they realize that Paris is no different than the rest of the world. I’ve been to both Japan and France now and I must say I’m not sure how such a syndrome is manifest.
Paris is not the same as the rest of the world. It is not heaven, nor hell, nor is it somewhere I’d wish to live. But it was special, a unique experience that I feel bettered me as a person. I was thrown into the alien and had to figure out my way.
Something I found exceptionally interesting was their trash cans, not exactly the most exciting thing in the world but they are worth mentioning. The French, or at least Paris, do not use cans but instead have bags hanging from a ring.
It seemed to be a great system. I never saw a ripped bag, an overfilled bag, and the little around the bags was nearly nonexistent. You could argue that perhaps the French are just less litter prone than Americans and that this is why our cans tend to stand in the middle of great dirty mounds but that didn’t appear to be the case either.
Litter was very common in Paris, enough cigarette butts to build a skyline and even dog poop seemed quite happy sitting there in a busy walking path. The novelty of the bags never wore off, reminding me that I am incredibly easy to amuse.
Paris is full of amazing architecture, buildings that up until that point were difficult for me to comprehend. It is true that in the US we have very tall buildings but there is something genuinely awe inspiring about the scale of the everything in these churches and palaces.
My picture taking skills aren’t the greatest and the camera I was using only had a back panel for viewing, which works great anywhere as long as it isn’t bright or the outside, or the inside, or really basically anywhere. But if you have made it this far then I guess we are doing ok.
I actually didn’t take all that many pictures inside of the churches, I’m not a conventionally religious man by any stretch of the imagination but I also understand that in a foreign country you don’t want to get in trouble in a religious building. Compound this with the eerie cold and silence we met in most of these old stone buildings to churn up the ultimate humility or at least complacency.
They were not all silent however, one of the churches we entered had this beautiful song playing from a pipe organ high overhead. For a moment I could see how this sort of thing could entrance someone.
It was interesting to me just how much violence can be found in Christian churches. Every inch of every wall in every church was covered in death, murder, or betrayal of some kind. I couldn’t help but wonder why anyone would want to be enveloped in such a thing all the time. I also wondered just what kind of people this sort of atmosphere generates, if we are so worried about violence in video games…what then of thousand year old buildings seemingly devoted to it?
A discussion for another time I suppose. They were beautiful places and I highly recommend them to everyone. It is amazing what the human mind can achieve when it is lost in wonder. These buildings were all so immaculate and massive that I couldn’t help but be impressed.
I’m not sure what this is. I’m assuming it is a memorial for the Patron Saint of Ants.
I really enjoyed the wildlife in the city as well, I made it a point to snap a shot of any bird I saw while on the trip. Perhaps I’m an ornithologist at heart?
That last one is a little tough. The French pigeons can be a bit shy on camera. I suspect the scorn of the reconstruction work being done in Europe is all heaved upon the birds. They even gave some of their statues antennas to fend off the fowl.
Then again I could be desperately wrong and maybe he just had antennas in real life? It was painfully obvious that the birds just ignored the spikes on most of the statues. Lots and lots of poop…so…much…poop.
A few of the bridges in Paris are covered from end to end in locks. I don’t know the story on how this started but it looks like people largely use it now to profess their love. Maybe the belief is that the love will be as unchanging and eternal as the locks? I’m uncertain. I did manage to find a few relevant locks that matched our travels.
The latter of the two is a bit too good to not use as the closer for this post. So I think we’ll have a second recap on Paris next time. A few more images and some last thoughts on that particular part of the trip. In the end I left Paris with a headache, a mild sunburn, and a very pleasant calmness.
I went to bed last night thinking things were going well and then I found myself waking up at 1AM. Oh dear, I thought, this is quite unfortunate. Over the day my brain has melted more and more, each hour adding up to some crazed sum.
So I’m going to go sleep again before my eyes jump out of my own head. I don’t want you to miss out on your visit though. You came here expecting some awesome story and here I am being all lame on you. So I’ve got a picture.
I really like birds, I am not certain what kind of bird this is (care to find out?) but it seemed to like having its picture taken. You’ll be seeing a nice amount of birds in the coming weeks. So long for now.
It has been quite a while! I’ve finally returned from Europe after a two week vacation around the Mediterranean. I want to be real poetic and wordy today but frankly we came back to ridiculous heat and I’m still feeling it from the half a day of flying. What I will do instead is prepare you for what is to come over the next few weeks.
First I’ll discuss American Airlines and the first day of our trip (actually getting there). Then we’ll discuss each day in Paris. After Pairs is the Cruise Ship and traveling to Greece. After Greece we’ll move along to Turkey and from Turkey back to Italy and finally the flight back. This adventure has drama, poking, sunburns, and spinning eggs splitting on the edge of a spatula. I’ll have plenty of fun pictures and advice for each location. We learned a lot about visiting Europe and I strongly feel that my discoveries will help make your trip be much more relaxing.
But for today, today I rest. Because I am sweating like I’m being baked and my brain is genuinely mush.
Here is a picture of Fresh Buttery “Taste” Spread, I don’t know if I’ve shown it before but I noticed it in my image folder and it still gives me a chuckle.
Have you ever been sitting around and thinking to yourself “I wonder why nothing but light can travel at the speed of light? What is so special about 300 million kilometers per hour?” I’m sure you do, if nothing else this has to be something that shoots through your head after the chipotle kicks in. That and perhaps what that bathroom graffiti is trying to say. “Larry Ez Hamo”, thanks I guess bathroom stall.
I look at the speed of light like you would look at the temperature in Kelvin. Kelvin has a lowest possible value, known as Absolute 0, this is the state where absolutely all movement has stopped. It is technically impossible because of the Heisenburg Uncertainty Principle (or that’s how I understand it) but it is there nonetheless. Basically the more motion in the particles the hotter something gets, the less motion the colder. But you can’t go into negative speeds (at least not in the most common understanding of speed) and because of this you have a minimum value of 0, no speed, frozen in space (and effectively frozen in time).
Now the speed anything can travel is relative to its mass, mass effectively creates an upper limit on how fast something can go. The reason that light travels at light speed is that it is effectively massless (I hear that light has infinite mass sometimes, but my understanding of it is that it lacks mass. So I’m going to stick with that and just caution you to read about these topics before taking my word as law).
Nothing travels faster than light because substances don’t have a negative mass. Again I’m sure there is an actual physics problem where negative masses are real, a real world version of irrational or non-real numbers thing. But for the sake of a basic discussion we will assume that mass is like temperature and it has a very real limit.
You can approach the state of 0 mass as much as you want without ever actually reaching that point. You could also likely reach 0 mass which would result in an incredible release of energy and probably suck (since you wouldn’t be turning back into an object with mass after). With that thought in mind you could very literally go out in a flash of glory.
This is why there is a light speed and this is why light travels at the same speed regardless of your point of observation. It is the maximum possible value because it has the minimum possible mass, any change would make it not massless and it would no longer be light.
So that would be my answer to the “Why”. As best as I can understand it this is why there is a light speed and why nothing else travels at this speed. Very same reason why nothing is colder than absolute 0.
I don’t know how I’m going to frame this but I feel like too many people are getting a smug self satisfaction from the victory by EA over Bank of America in the “Worst Company in America” Contest. I’m just going to do what I do and see if something comes out of it.
We’ll work down the fake letter and cover all the errors in its reasoning.
So we’ve got the targets. The consumerist is upset with Halliburton and ExxonMobil. I imagine the same could be said about most Americans, maybe even most human beings that know about either company. So why didn’t either of these companies win? Well let’s look at what the Consumerist does, what is their deal. The Consumerist reports on shady business practices and they lecture businesses about how they could be better and do better at the same time.
Does the creator of this image honestly believe that there is any incentive for ExxonMobil to read anything from the consumerist? EA is a company with very picky shareholders, running a luxury business, and doing so poorly versus their projection that they had their CEO quit. What about Exxon? Exxon is a company selling something that has been integrated into the very infrastructure of the entire industrialized world. Do you really think >anything< would change at all if they were voted the winner? Do you think anyone would suddenly start feeling worse about Exxon? Exxon is a little bit like a pile of fetid flaming dog shit, you don’t need to be told that it is not something that should be on your porch, you know this, that’s why you weren’t the one that put it there. But no amount of knowing that its dog shit is going to stop the neighborhood kids from putting it on your porch.
Seriously stop! It’s stinky.
How about Halliburton? This is a company was (is?) lead by a man who became the Vice President of the United States. Really? Most people are too passive about politics to even vote out their own congressmen (which you statistically should be doing for any house representatives your state has). Do you really think that a consumerist poll victory for Halliburton is going to make Cheney see the error of his ways?
This is a guy who was blushing and smiling while talking about torturing human beings. I’m pretty sure he’s also not a publically traded company and doesn’t give two shits about what the average person thinks about him. Even the man’s heart is trying to kill him.
Ah. Now we are talking about Bank of America. So what is the major difference between EA and Bank of America? The obvious thing that jumps out at my mind is that EA could be very popular and still make money hand over fist. Bank of America on the other hand could never rake in the profits that it does without doing exactly what it does. Don’t think I’m defending them either, Bank of America is a parasite on humanity and less necessary (and less welcome) than cancer.
But there is literally nothing that could or would come from them winning this prize. The people with investments in Bank of America don’t care what you think. They’ve expanded to such a large size that the US Government throws money at them even when they aren’t in trouble. Their business rakes in more money than entire nations output.
The way you stop Bank of America is…oh wait Dorkly answers this part themselves and totally misses the irony.
Stop giving Bank of America your money! How novel! Similarly this is how you could stop Exxon, invest in alternative energy sources, stop being scared of nuclear power [its pretty awesome if you actually invest in keeping it up to date], stop voting idiots into government positions, and maybe, just maybe, never be for war unless it is absolutely positively necessary with clear and certain goals.
What really sealed this post for me, was the glee with which they said “But an internet poll [will really make them change their ways.]” Ah! We’ve hit the crux, what I’ve been saying this entire time. Dorkly has been so wonderfully out of touch with perspective this entire rant and they went so far as to poke holes in their entire point. It’s like a fine wine. EA was so offended and concerned about the Consumerist poll that they even made an official announcement.
Do you know who didn’t give two shits? Anyone you mentioned, anyone else on the poll (that I’m aware of besides Comcast), and certainly not any actual damaging entity. EA >can< change and they can do so while remaining highly profitable. That’s the difference, theirs is a business that CAN be changed with public relations failures. Theirs is a product of luxury and their business is one of very finnicky investors. This is why they market so ridiculously, this is why they come across like such pricks, because they aren’t talking to the consumer when they do a PR release, a marketing release, or damage control. They are posting these things entirely for their investors because they are terrified of them.
And I am glad that you have no perspective, Dorkly’s Andrew Bridgman.
Note: I actually believe that EA could improve and think these sort of wins are good for them. It helps to give them some perspective and to maybe return them to a time when people liked them. They are one of the only people on that entire list that could actually have their actions molded by a decision piece.
I don’t know how much I’ll be doing these posts where I post a video and then discuss my feelings on it but I have a few lined up. For various reasons I will be unavailable for website updates (most likely) in the coming weeks but it doesn’t look like I updated all that much anyways. There are many reasons, some emotional, some physical, and other times just a matter of bad time management. It seems fitting when discussing my inability to divide up problems and projects over my limited time that I’d bring up Zeno.
The example given in the video is that if you clap your hands you are committing to a series of movements that involve the halving of the distance between your hands, then halving that distance again, and then again. He mentioned that it goes as follows.
You travel .5 of the distance, then .25 of the total distance, then .125, and so on. Now he shows how you can prove that it can be solved mathematically but then mentioned that an infinite process having an “end” was the paradox that has puzzled mathematicians for thousands of years. Here is my dilemma, I don’t see the Paradox and I’m fairly certain I’m not smarter than this man or anyone who tried this problem in 2500 years. I’m a random schmuck who is in love with Sleeping Dogs [a review to come], Magic Cards, and occasionally day dreaming in the shower. I barely scratched by on a General Studies Degree, etc, etc.
With all that personal deconstruction out of the way let me explain why I don’t see this as a paradox.
It begins with 0 and it ends with 1.
There are infinitely many points between 0 and 1. However we have established a beginning and an end to this infinite system. It begins at 0 and ends at 1. In fact, if you halve the total distance an infinitely many times and sum them you will come out with the answer of 1. I’m going to try and prove that with excel, because we all know that excel is the most accurate math program ever devised.
What I did was took the distance of 1. I then halved it, then halved it again, then halved it again, and repeated this process 1,048,575 times. I then summed this value and was given 1. Now obviously excel has cheated a bit and rounded because it didn’t want me tapping my foot impatiently as it carried the 2’s and 3’s. But this helps a little to get my point across. Hopefully the rest I can do with words.
The video mentions that while it took a second to reach that first half point, it takes half that time to reach the quarter point, and half of THAT time to reach the eighth point, and so on. What this means to me is that while there are infinitely many points each is infinitely faster than the previous point. If you take this entire group of infinite points and group them into a single value that value will end up being 1. While there are infinitely many pieces to this pie that is entirely feasible because in mathematics you can have a pool of infinite. Just like you can have different sized infinities (plenty of proofs of this online and even videos on numberfiles). The infinite group that makes up 0-1 is smaller than the infinite group that makes up say 0-2. Because the sum total of all the infinite parts of 0-2 is 2. Just as the sum total of infinite parts from 0-1 is 1.
Basically infinity for me is not a looped system. You aren’t doing the math one problem at a time for the whole of eternity without end. Any infinite system with a defined edge (Like the sum of all the halves between 0 and 1) looks to me like a finished product. Like a piece of folded paper that you’ve cut in many ways to be unfolded into a magnificent snowflake. While you can examine it for eternity it is already done.
In reality [that is to say real life] even the above might not be the case, we might not be able to infinitely reduce time and space. It is sounding like even string theory has hit the smallest that things get. Beautiful little vibrating strings with infinitely many outcomes. There is nothing weird about this to me, the idea that there could be a smallest thing is entirely understandable and not at all unusual. We only expect there to be smaller things because our macro world is made up of micro parts. There is nothing saying that a certain point parts couldn’t just be. Heck, that’s the entire spine to most god fearing religions.
If we assume that time and space cannot be divided infinitely many times then we hit the excel answer even harder. At a certain point those every halving points become equal to 0 and no longer impact the mathematics. Just like an infinite loop being closed before the computer crashes, just in this case it is the natural state of things. Water cannot be infinitely compressed and time/space cannot be infinitely divided.
The harmony in this to me is entirely sensible and that is my problem. None of this seems hard to handle or incorrect and that’s how I know I’ve got something wrong. I don’t know what, there must be something I’m missing. But for me this paradox is not a paradox at all, its fascinating and beautiful and fun but not paradoxical. For me it sounds a bit like those riddles that you hear that play on your ability to overlook an obvious hint. Of COURSE he was standing on a block of dried ice…how could I have been so silly.
So that’s my thoughts on this particular paradox. I can see no reason why it is a problem at all and I wish I knew why I couldn’t.