Work is a strange beast. I’m sitting here in a job that involves video games and being on a PC all day and I find myself watching chrome lag. Have you ever seen chrome lag? I imagine you haven’t if your PC is using hardware that can handle minesweeper.
Part of it is likely just the jaded nature of liking PCs, if you are someone who likes PCs you are probably the kind of person who puts a little money into them. I could ramble on and on about this but frankly I’m extremely tired and there is a very good chance the last two mini paragraphs read like they were written after a Heroin Hit.
Unrelated to that I’m waiting on test results, a fun period of time where I wonder what they’ll find and if they’ll find anything. What do you do in that situation if they find nothing? How strange would it be to know that an entire season of discomfort and pain was literally caused by my mind? I mean that’s kind of interesting, a super power where I can hurt myself I guess.
This wouldn’t be the first time if it is the case. As a teen I had gotten deeply depressed and it concerned my doctor (my heart rate had dropped), I ended up having to wear this really terrible device that monitored my heartbeat all the time. It was terrible because they didn’t lubricate the metal part of it well enough and it dug into my skin after the first day.
Once that was over I ended up going into Tae Kwon Do and doing that for a bit. It made me feel better, helped improve my health, and overall I was a better person for it. Fast forward from that to college where I get trapped on a floor with 7 party animals. I got little sleep, no moments to relax, basically nothing but a year of mental anguish. It reminded me that being introverted is something that is very difficult to be happy with in the extroverted systems of the West.
My eye lids twitched, my joints burned, and the entire experience was just bitter. Move ever further forward and we get to the adoption of our kittens a year ago. Artemis got deathly ill and I was wondering if this beautiful new life was going to be snuffed out so early. It dug deep into me and I was miserable. My stomach ached and before I knew it I was vomiting constantly, every day and after every meal. I could barely keep anything down.
It was (to this point) the scariest moment of my life I think, there is so much time between the tree house incident and now that I can look at it objectively. But the vomiting was just terribly scary, that’s the kind of thing that you type into WebMD and it replies “You dead sucka.”
A year later and now my abdomen is awash with twisting and turning, pain and discomfort. I love my cats, I love my wife, and so the only thing I can find sticking out from all this is my job. It’s not a bad job, I get paid ok, the hours are somewhat flexible, and the people are fairly relaxed. But there is something about it…
Something about this job just eats away at me. I’ve watched basically everyone else who was here before me or joined after me leave. They walked in, they smiled, they hoped, and then the reality of it all hit them and they left. Some left for other game companies, some went back to college, and others just left.
It’s hard to quantify just why this sort of thing kills you inside. I’ve mentioned before that it is like Dorian Gray, and I stand behind that, but I think behind the metaphor is something darker. Just that realization that each day that passes is one less tick on the clock of your life.
They tick away and you wonder just what your job is doing? If you are a carpenter you are building homes, a plumber and electrician maintains them, painters paint, writers write, all sorts of jobs leave something behind.
But what is left behind here?
What do we really have after all these years? Besides that strange truth that no matter how hard you try, it only takes one idiot to ruin everything.
That kind of knowledge, it eats at you, deep in the gut. At least it certainly does me, and that eating is not pleasant at all.
Well then, nothing I clicked before I started writing this has opened yet. Looks like even my computer can’t deal with this anymore.