Journal

An Open Apology to Amazon


  Hey Amazon, how have you been? So we’ve been friends for many years now, I come and hang out at your crib and you provide me with help and all the tools I need to have a jolly good feeling life. It’s like every time I think “Man I wish I had X.” I can turn to you and you’ll have it in ninety different shades and from thirteen different manufacturers.

  I mean, it hasn’t all been great, sure that whole thing with surprise taxes on preorders was sad but we all know that wasn’t you, that was just your uncle being real lame. Whatever, it happens, I still think you are great. So it is with a heavy heart that I admit that I cheated on you recently. I visited a brick and mortar version of you, folks colloquially call it “WalMart”, its not that I don’t like you but I just found myself nearby while checking out one of the cute niche places that aren’t really your thing.

  It was a mistake and I’m truly sorry, I should have known you were the best. We’ve been together so long and you’ve worked so hard for me. I feel like a prick and honestly Karma got me better than your disappointment ever could. I walked around a smelly stuffy store, aisles too shallow for their carts much less the massive walls of flesh that comprised their consumer base.

  Finally I found an item I liked, it would be great as a gag gift at our company party. It was Angry Birds Death star, the price said “agry brd dthsr 14.99.” I thought, GREAT, I can get this and a cocoa set and I’ll have hit the 25 dollar mark. How little did I know, Amazon, how little did I know. The problems were just beginning.

  The Spongebob cocoa bundle packages they had were almost entirely vandalized, either the bowls were shattered, or the mix was stolen, or the bags were ripped. You know how many things you’ve given me broken in years and hundreds of purchases? One thing, Amazon, one thing and it was from a seller, not even you. I should have known that this was a warning sign and that I should just run.

  But I didn’t, I think it was that whole dangerous feeling of being in a WalMart, its like walking through a slums that has price tags. We finally made it up to the register with our few items and we waited.

  And you know what Amazon? We waited, and we waited, and we waited. I’m not an impatient guy but I don’t remember the last time I stood in line for over a half hour. Wait, that’s a lie, you know when I last did that? December of 1998, waiting in line for one of the hardest to find items anywhere in the state.

Mother Flipping Pokemon!

  You know why I remember this random event from my preteens? Because it was the last goddamn copy of Pokemon Red they had, that line was packed with kids hoping and dreaming and I got the last flipping copy. It even took them a bit to find it under all the Blue’s they had left (the version I already owned).

  It was freaking magical. Goddamn Charizard, look at him, so majestic.

  But what am I doing 14 or so years later? I’m standing with toothpaste and a gag gift in a WalMart checkout line. I’m standing here, thinking, reevaluating my decisions. The only thing making it bareable is my wife is there too, but you know what Amazon? Guy behind us is bashing her in the legs with his cart.

  Yeah, you’ve never hit us. I should have seen the signs. I should have just left.

  But no I waited and I waited and we finally checked out.

  Nearly 60 dollars after tax.

  …what? I was so tired by now I just kind of accepted it, I wanted out of that place more than just about anywhere else I’ve been. Then we realize it, those deathstars aren’t 14.99, sure I mean, they had an entire shelf of them, sure the price tag specifically said the exact name of the product.

  They were 29.99. A 100% markup…

  Great.

  You know what this means Amazon? I’ve got to drive back into the parking lot, that fetid shitty parking lot where not a single person knows how to drive or walk. Then I’ve got to walk inside and wait in their returns line.

  I left with nothing but a few tubes of toothpaste, Amazon, I’d say I left with my dignity but it stayed behind buried behind a mountain of shame. I should have never cheated on you, I feel silly, and reality bitch slapped me for my mistake.

  It will never happen again I promise, the only thing that will get me in a Walmart is misfortune or someone else needing something from there. I’m not standing in those lines ever again, I’m not dealing with mispriced goods, broken goods, or bad engineering (seriously, who the hell designed that store layout? A coked up chimpanzee could have made a better layout).

  I’m going to stick with Amazon Prime and Amazon, I’m going to enjoy seeing my friendly UPS guy, the friendly FedEx guy, and I’ll be damned if even the USPS guy isn’t nice too. I know you don’t employ them and I’m just lucky but for sure Amazon even the folks delivering my stuff are great.

  They all even know my name, not sure if that should be good news or bad news. But it’s the reality of it.

  This goes out also as a warning to everyone, don’t shop at Walmart. Dark things exist within those walls, disease, pestilence, the end. I don’t know about the Mayans but I certainly see the undoing of humanity growing like a cyst behind that imperial star.

PS. Fuck Walmart (But Target is still the sexy cousin of Amazon, your store shimmers beneath the sun.)