How to make a giant Dorkly of yourself. [EA Vs. BOA]

//How to make a giant Dorkly of yourself. [EA Vs. BOA]

How to make a giant Dorkly of yourself. [EA Vs. BOA]

I don’t know how I’m going to frame this but I feel like too many people are getting a smug self satisfaction from the victory by EA over Bank of America in the “Worst Company in America” Contest. I’m just going to do what I do and see if something comes out of it.

We’ll work down the fake letter and cover all the errors in its reasoning.


So we’ve got the targets. The consumerist is upset with Halliburton and ExxonMobil. I imagine the same could be said about most Americans, maybe even most human beings that know about either company. So why didn’t either of these companies win? Well let’s look at what the Consumerist does, what is their deal. The Consumerist reports on shady business practices and they lecture businesses about how they could be better and do better at the same time.

Does the creator of this image honestly believe that there is any incentive for ExxonMobil to read anything from the consumerist? EA is a company with very picky shareholders, running a luxury business, and doing so poorly versus their projection that they had their CEO quit. What about Exxon? Exxon is a company selling something that has been integrated into the very infrastructure of the entire industrialized world. Do you really think >anything< would change at all if they were voted the winner? Do you think anyone would suddenly start feeling worse about Exxon? Exxon is a little bit like a pile of fetid flaming dog shit, you don’t need to be told that it is not something that should be on your porch, you know this, that’s why you weren’t the one that put it there. But no amount of knowing that its dog shit  is going to stop the neighborhood kids from putting it on your porch.

Seriously stop! It’s stinky.

How about Halliburton? This is a company was (is?) lead by a man who became the Vice President of the United States. Really? Most people are too passive about politics to even vote out their own congressmen (which you statistically should be doing for any house representatives your state has). Do you really think that a consumerist poll victory for Halliburton is going to make Cheney see the error of his ways?

This is a guy who was blushing and smiling while talking about torturing human beings. I’m pretty sure he’s also not a publically traded company and doesn’t give two shits about what the average person thinks about him. Even the man’s heart is trying to kill him.


Ah. Now we are talking about Bank of America. So what is the major difference between EA and Bank of America? The obvious thing that jumps out at my mind is that EA could be very popular and still make money hand over fist. Bank of America on the other hand could never rake in the profits that it does without doing exactly what it does. Don’t think I’m defending them either, Bank of America is a parasite on humanity and less necessary (and less welcome) than cancer.

But there is literally nothing that could or would come from them winning this prize. The people with investments in Bank of America don’t care what you think. They’ve expanded to such a large size that the US Government throws money at them even when they aren’t in trouble. Their business rakes in more money than entire nations output.

The way you stop Bank of America is…oh wait Dorkly answers this part themselves and totally misses the irony.


Stop giving Bank of America your money! How novel! Similarly this is how you could stop Exxon, invest in alternative energy sources, stop being scared of nuclear power [its pretty awesome if you actually invest in keeping it up to date], stop voting idiots into government positions, and maybe, just maybe, never be for war unless it is absolutely positively necessary with clear and certain goals.

What really sealed this post for me, was the glee with which they said “But an internet poll [will really make them change their ways.]” Ah! We’ve hit the crux, what I’ve been saying this entire time. Dorkly has been so wonderfully out of touch with perspective this entire rant and they went so far as to poke holes in their entire point. It’s like a fine wine. EA was so offended and concerned about the Consumerist poll that they even made an official announcement.

Do you know who didn’t give two shits? Anyone you mentioned, anyone else on the poll (that I’m aware of besides Comcast), and certainly not any actual damaging entity. EA >can< change and they can do so while remaining highly profitable. That’s the difference, theirs is a business that CAN be changed with public relations failures. Theirs is a product of luxury and their business is one of very finnicky investors. This is why they market so ridiculously, this is why they come across like such pricks, because they aren’t talking to the consumer when they do a PR release, a marketing release, or damage control. They are posting these things entirely for their investors because they are terrified of them.


And I am glad that you have no perspective, Dorkly’s Andrew Bridgman.

Note: I actually believe that EA could improve and think these sort of wins are good for them. It helps to give them some perspective and to maybe return them to a time when people liked them. They are one of the only people on that entire list that could actually have their actions molded by a decision piece.

By | 2013-04-29T16:43:03+00:00 April 10th, 2013|Journal|Comments Off on How to make a giant Dorkly of yourself. [EA Vs. BOA]