There is most certainly going to be spoilers in this writing. I’m basically writing out the entire film (apparently). So if you are someone who hates to have a plot explained to you before you see the film I suggest leaving now. That said I also suggest you remain in ignorance, because if I suggested anything close to watching this film I would feel bad about it for the rest of the night at the very least.
I’m going to run a few qualifiers in the beginning here and you can take them any direction you wish. I’m not a huge cinema person, I don’t really have any attachment to the Aliens series, and I came into this film with absolutely 0 expectations. All I knew was Michael Fassbender was in it and he’s an amazing actor. I’ll even note immediately that he was amazing in this film and in the beginning gave me an incredible amount of hope for it. It’s like going to a concert and having your favorite artist start it off. The rest of the film is like having them leave stage in between songs and having Rebecca Black sing for a half hour at a time.
I’m going to start from the beginning and just work my way through. Because the entire film is not terrible, just most of it. So we start with a weird alien guy, presumably a jockey (which ends up being the case) who is on the Early Earth and decides that it would be a pretty cool idea to be the vessel for life on Earth. Sure you can clone someone from a single cell and their biotechnology doesn’t appear to take any biomass to propagate in extreme ways (see: The massive squid monster at the end that had nothing but a Placenta to grow on).
Well alright, I’m a little worried. That scene has set me up and told me I may have walked into the wrong movie. But damnit Fassbender hasn’t shown up yet, I hear he’s an android and that’s going to be tough to do. Next we cut to Ireland in the future (2080 or so if I remember correctly) and its all cold and shit (Ireland never changes). They discovered a 35K year old piece of art that links up with a ton of other art. Alright so we’ve established something, the aliens want us to find whatever this is. Not sure why, not sure who mentioned it, but that’s cool bro I can deal with this because I don’t mind things being left to my imagination.
The two “protagonists” kind of suck but that’s ok. So we move to the future, now we are on a ship and…oh shit that’s him! Fassbender is in the house mofos! He pulls a scene from “Up!” and ends up capturing me for something like 5 minutes of just him walking around the ship and doing random human stuff. They even recreate the scene where Sigourney Weaver is sinking a basketball, but the Fassbender does that shit from a Bicycle. Anywho I realize he did it with CGI but that’s because he’s an android and those dudes don’t have souls (as you’ll have beaten into your head across this film).
We finally reach the planet, alright that’s cool. The idea of going into space and finding another planet is super duper cool. Obviously they wanted us to come here because they gave us a flipping map. So something cool is here, I’m assuming it’s a Ferris wheel or something.
Introduce the “cold hearted female” character. Oh nice, she’s doing push ups in underwear. Oh? Oh ok so we are going to just keep the camera locked on her cleavage on? No, I have nothing against pandering.
I’m obviously evil. Just look at my evil. Up here pervert.
I mean I like boobs…but uh…isn’t this what you do when you are making a bad film? Nah, it’s fine. I’m probably wrong, this has Fassbender in it. Sure enough! He’s there! Awesome, alright and now she’s getting dressed that’s cool. So now we have the Android who will obviously get tons of people killed and the Ice Queen.
How do I know he’ll kill a ton of people? Well the very second a picture of Fassbender ended up on the internet everyone called it. Every single thread I saw about this movie on Reddit and abroad said he was going to end up offing basically everyone in one way or another. Why? Because that’s what always happens when robots are in Sci-Fi films.
So anyways, she tells him to release everyone out of stasis. Let it be known that the space ship is real sexy, I was totally enamored by the design of basically all the technology (minus the “future” flash light). Anyways, everyone wakes up and starts vomiting etc. That’s cool, I’d do that too.
So now we are introduced to 2 other characters, a hard ass geologist (heh, cute) and a very friendly biologist (you don’t say). A few slick one liner quotes go by and its time to land this ship. We are next introduced to a black guy (or African American for those of you who like syllables, please continue calling me white, its shorter) and his two campy copilots.
Wait…no you are shitting me? He didn’t just introduce the obvious heroic sacrifice and his campy sidekicks? I’m not…no…please god no. Don’t do this to me Mr. Scott. You know what? No…there is no way that this is going to end with this guy flying the ship in a suicide mission to save everyone and there is no way those two guys are going to laugh about some half assed joke right before they die. No way. So with that established in my mind (alongside the “please don’t kill this guy” on repeat) we land the ship.
Ok cool, I like domes. That’s solid. Alright, the protagonist wants to get going now because who wants to wait. I get that, I realize he’d never do it if he could hear the musical score in this film but in the real world I could see it.
Oh and let it be known that throughout this film pretty much everyone is going to shit on the Android. Because that’s what you do in these films, you always shit on the robots and then they invariably turn on you. Always.
Nah it’s fine. This is just another red herring, Scott is setting me up and this will end up like District 9 where I was wrong every single time I tried to call something. Because nobody gets this kind of budget and writes this kind of shit. I might but I’m some random jackass, an actual writer who is getting millions of dollars thrown in his lap would know what he’s doing.
I know…I know there are tons of counter examples but let me live my dream, there is still another hour and a half or so to go. Anyways we get off the ship and get inside, alright keep in mind that all these goddamn people have PHD’s. When you have the word “Doctor” in your name you tend to be pretty smart in your personal field. I’m not saying that a PHD in Physics could remove a tumor, but they’d know damn well not to tea bag depleted uranium.
They notice the air is breathable and the male protagonist immediately takes off his damn helmet.
He’s breathing the fresh air for no longer than 30 seconds (if even 10) before the female protagonist thinks “It’s obviously safe!” and takes off her helmet too. These people research ancient humans, have none of them heard of diseases? Alright let me break this down.
If you enter an environment that naturally can habituate you that means that the things that live there can very likely live on or within you in one way or another. This is why if we ever go space fairing we’ll want to terraform, not live on planets that already could support us. The latter will very likely end up causing the deaths of everyone who drops their asses there. This is loosely why it isn’t a good idea to be a cannibal, another person is the perfect environment for human infesting parasites. So diseases that otherwise would never transfer between people can do so quite easily this way.
Furthermore these people are presuming that our very creators exist here, if they made us then it goes without saying that they likely are similar and that shit that makes them sick could hurt us donkey balls bad.
But I digress, everyone takes off their helmets, which is cool I guess its not like any of them is a biologist. Oh wait…
Anyways Fassbender does some bending and we activate this place and they find the corpse of one of the jockeys. It is at this point that two of the characters suddenly act like real people. The Biologist and the Geologist both say “Fuck this!” and try to run away, keep in mind that the Geologist earlier deployed a bunch of probes that tell him exactly where everything is and you’ll also want to note they’ve only walked one direction to get where they are.
If you walk down your hallway and get lost the best way to get back to where you started is to turn around. Anywho our folks open a door and find the head of the engineer and then find all sorts of pots and shit and a giant human looking head. You’ll note its on the cover for this movie.
Well shit starts sweating and melting and it all looks organic and mofos still have their helmets off! I’m sorry, I didn’t realize we were playing this game. The one where every scientist is mad with passion for their field and will sooner die than lose a chance to study a specimen. Because that’s totally common in reality (namely never).
At any rate, a storm starts up (because forward momentum), and now we need to get back to the ship like yesterday! So they all race off and reach the ship and…oh fuck me she dropped the head. Oh dear god she’s going to go after it and nearly die.
It is at this point that I’m nearly nauseous. Nobody in the history of ever would have just done that. At any rate, we find out that the geologist and the biologist are both not back yet. Oh? You mean the two guys who wanted to live and knew this was suicide before a single alien has appeared? Oh…no it is fine Ridley, I understand how infuriating it must be to put actual humans in a film.
Something like 6 in movie hours pass and we find the two guys relaxing in the room. Not just any room either, the room that is sweating and filling with a black oily ooze. Really? Not only did they not notice the hundreds of worms that are writhing in the ground they didn’t notice the melting walls and pots bubbling black death. If this room had any more symbolism for danger it would have death itself floating overhead…oh…oh shit…yep that’s actually there too (shape of a Xenomorph).
From left to right: Dumbass, Strong Heroin Archetype, and Fassbender!
Heavy symbolism that you should not sleep here.
Alright fine, so the guys don’t notice the worms. But what do they notice? A 4-6 foot long serpent alien thing. I can’t blame them, the damn thing pops up like a king cobra. So keep in mind these are the same two guys who wanted to flee hours ago for their lives before they saw anything living. Now an alien snake is staring them down and they go into full retard mode.
Oh dear god…no not this. This trope is so beaten and abused that I hoped it would die out with the dinosaurs. The idea of a scientist so infatuated with their work that they’d put their head in the mouth of an Alligator in order to count its teeth.
Motherfucker touches it!
It’s almost a carbon copy of that scene where Dennis Nedre meets the spitter dinosaur after crashing his car. In his defense its stalking him, these two assholes are basically poking the damn thing. You know what would have happened if they were not breaking character?
They’d have run so fast they would have broken the sound barrier.
What ensues next is the generic circle jerky punishment of man’s curiousity where one dude gets his arm shattered like a cracker, the acid melts the other guy, then the creature regrows its head at speeds that would make wolverine envious and it face rapes the jackass who poked it.
Serves that asshole right for breaking character.
Ok that’s fine, I’m sure that’s the last time he’ll have really stupid people with PHD’s running around. This can’t be a 2 hour long rant filled with that whole faith saves and science kills bullshit. So alright, I’ve lost any interest in the film but I’m here and I’ve got these silly 3D glasses on…I might as well stick it out.
At any rate, we muddle on through some weird science thing where they science. Let it be known that the idea of “quarantine” in this film is laughable. It’s like watching a war film and the bomber aircraft are pulling loop-de-loops or something, it’s only science fiction insofar as you could drunkenly mistake anything in it for science.
They poke the head they brought back with some electricity and it starts to reanimate and all sorts of organic freaky shit is happening in it. At this point everyone in that lab should have shit themselves and lit it on fire. But no they are all retarded scientist cannon fodder so they watch it until at the last second they put it in containment and it explodes.
Nah that’s fine, that’s totally how far I’d have taken it.
The main guy shits all over the android about not having feelings and pulls every mistake you can in a science fiction environment with androids. So the android does what they do and poisons him with the bioweapon.
Well naturally he has sex with the lady. Now it looks like they are already married so the trope of premarital sex leading to an agonizing birth is obviously not going to happen in this film. Save that shit for twilight.
Next day arrives and the dude has worms trying to poke out of his eyes (not very nice). Well they head back to the dome and once again helmets are off. They walk into the room with the pots and…well alright that guys dead. Hey you guys notice there is black evil shit all over these pots? Oh also the protagonist male is basically melting in front of us.
Guys…guys…I think we might be contaminated.
Well I’ll fucking be! Hey dude, somebody check the dead guy! Holy shit a snake thing just rocketed out of his mouth! Well they head back and the “Ice Queen” is given a tough decision. Act like any normal human would or succumb to Scott’s terrible overall writing.
Well she picks up a flame thrower and points that shit at the guy who is a pool organic holy fuck.
Keep in mind this ship has guns on it, so they could just shoot him in the head and THEN burn him. But uh…well he’d rather be burned now. Alright I’ll hand that to him, if I was melting as things broke down my DNA I’d probably want to die super quick if possible. She’s noticeably moved and I have found my second favorite Character.
Everyone gets quarantined (finally) and its time for the first big reveal! The woman who lamented the night before that she can’t get pregnant is now pregnant! Hah! You didn’t see that coming did you! You didn’t? You liar, you totally did.
Well the good news is she is finally preggers, the bad news is that her bioweapon husband left a squid in her uterus. Why a squid?
At any rate she decides as any rational woman would that there is an alien holy shit in her uterus and that shit has got to go. Alright I’m here with you, if I had a squid inside me I’d want that out like yesterday. I don’t even eat Calamari.
Well she gets to this surgery machine from 100 years in the future and jokes on her! This super fancy surgery machine of which only 12 were made, can only be set to male or female. Really? This thing is less dynamic than a real doctor? I could see how that would be helpful (I’m lying).
Anyways the rest of this scene tip toes around the punishment of sex and some weird abortion symbolism. It’s unnecessarily long but I’m guessing he had a huge FX budget and was like “You know what? I want to have a really confusing cesarean operation go down.” To which I assume an intern asked “Should we get a doctor to make sure we don’t miss anything blatant?” and Scott laughed “Fuck no! We’ll do it live!”
So she gets cut open, a squid is removed, and the only after surgery action is an air stapler bolting her stomach together. Uh…cool…cool. I’m sure her uterus is fine with being left a gaping wound.
She scurries out and leaves this thing presumably to die (presuming you are expecting any obvious plot twists to not happen).
Oh and then she meets the “dead guy” who funded the trip. That dead guy you knew wasn’t dead from the second Fassbender mentioned “him”. Don’t worry though, that will not be the dumbest reveal of the film! We’ve got a better one coming! Keep that popcorn ready!
Best part is you don’t even need to wait long. There is some windy ramble about our creator and other over the top symbolism that ignores the mass murder going on around them (I forgot to mention the guy who was hit with acid turned into a super powerful organic zombie that butchered some people with his hands…just…just go with it).
Well the Ice Queen walks into the room with the Dead Guy and they chat and Surprise! He’s her father, no, you already knew that. But don’t worry she literally exclaims it. That was the most unnecessary reveal in the history of Cinema. In fact had he left it out that scene would have actually had some mystery and intrigue. Instead it was boring and forced and did somebody in this theatre literally shit themselves? I realize it isn’t this films fault but I actually smell poop.
Wait…lord I hope it isn’t me. I know this film is depressing the shit out of me but I only thought it was figurative.
Anywho we board up to go back to the dome for the third time. Because honestly when you had a murderous zombie and a weird face raping worm thing the first place you want to go is the source. Oh that reminds me, the girl who just had her stomach slashed open and a squid pulled out just went with them.
Why? Well because science. This is how it works, you pick a field and then go full retard till you die.
Anywho we get back in the ship, yadda, yadda. Oh…sorry…did I mention this dome houses a ship? Well it does. The pilot of the human ship does a quick check of the scans to confirm his suspicions at some point around here and figured out that for sure these are not our creators in the biblical sense, well ok they are if you mean old testament.
Just a reminder you don’t want to meet old testament god, he had a tendency to kill lots of people.
Well anywho back at the ship the android awakens the jockey and what does the jockey do? Well he rips off the androids head, beats the fuck out of everyone and then starts launching the ship. Alright, cool. I’m glad he wasn’t anything interesting and is just a blood thirsty asshole. Oh…Oh I get it. That’s why we are blood thirsty assholes? Because we share 100% of their DNA?
Oh shit…that reminds me. We share 100% of the DNA as this guy.
I sure as hell hope you never took a biology class ever, or that was the dumbest thing you’ve seen a “scientist” in this film say yet. Just for the record we only share about 97-98% of our DNA with these folks.
Yo, bro. Mind if I kill you just a little?
So the giant albino with the extreme intellect shares the exact DNA pattern as us. This is accounting for activated and deactivated genes as well if that image was anything to go by. That’s cool, I guess if I can take a guy fingering a space cobra I can take anything.
Anywho, the female Protagonist makes her way back to the ship and about halfway she tells the Pilot “You need to stop this ship or all of Earth will die.” He notes that “Bitch, this ship has no weapons.” and she says “I know, but you are black so…you know.” then he looks to the camera and grins “Oh, right. I thought I might survive this one.”
Then both his lackeys start joking about a bet at the beginning of the film moments before they know they are going to die (totally of their own volition). It was about this point that my brain started beating itself against the front of my skull hoping I could forget this entire experience.
So he flies the ship into the big ship and does no damage to it but it crashes into the ground. Now I’m absolutely not willing to accept that future Americans would ever go anywhere with a ship that doesn’t have cannons of some kind on it. I’m sorry, we may someday give up Jesus, Dr. Pepper, or even NFL but we will always be bringing guns to shoot at shit be it alive or just there.
Well anyways, the giant donut falls down and starts rolling, because that’s what donuts do and the 2 last living people (both women, unexpected, the first surprise of the film) start running in the same direction this giant ship is rolling. I don’t mean the same general direction but literally down the center of this damn thing.
Perhaps she could run to…the right…or the left. Shit no! She saw Indiana Jones and is going to outrun this damn boulder if it is the last thing she does. Well it turns out that it isn’t, but the Ice Queen is crushed in a scene you’ve seen in a hundred other films. Don’t worry though by now you’ve seen every generic scene from every generic movie in this one movie, its like a montage to bad movie making.
Well Protagonist girl makes her way to the last piece of functioning ship that she knows about and comes to an unfortunate realization. Her Uterus squid has grown to about the size of a grizzly bear (actually quite a bit larger). At this point you must be asking yourself what biomass it was eating to grow so large, well the answer to that is…placenta? Maybe some medical supplies, who knows, maybe it was juicing.
Well the space asshole is alive too and he runs his ass onto the ship and starts donkey punching her. Why? Well because he can psychically tell she’s on this ship and is super duper pissed. She opens the door to the uterus squid and that thing goes full Johnny Depp on it. No really…it’s the scene from the second film where Johnny Depp stares down the Kraken.
Replace Johnny Depp with the Assassin from Davinci Code and you’ve got it!
The giant squid opens up its mouth to reveal more teeth than a sea turtle and ends up face raping the jockey. Nobody really cares at this point because he’s a boring asshole. That giant squid dies instantly (as face huggers do) and leaves one wondering if it overcompensated because it was made to kill a 12 foot tall super human rather than the rest of us short squishy folks.
But I digress, any who fassbender saves the day and the woman is saved to go find the actual alien world. Because this isn’t it, this is just a military installation for building the bioweapons. Why on earth they left us a road map to the weapons factory is beyond me, presumably they get lost easily and wanted to leave a map at our headquarters just in case. I mean considering how shitty the map maker in this film was at following maps I could see them being cautious.
Oh uh…then for about 6 seconds a Xenomorph explodes out of the Jockey. He then does the double head mouth thing and the film ends. In the theatre (at least our two rows of people) I hear collective groans and laughter and Dan sitting next to me puts it succinctly “Wow, I’m not impressed.” He then laughs uncomfortably and we all leave. Barely a few lines of text leave the credits before much of the room has evacuated.
I would give this film a normal rating with my bar but I feel really bad about putting something as nice as that bar alongside something as bad as this film. This film looked good, he had millions of dollars (presumably) but taking millions of dollars to film a turd still leaves the audience watching a turd.
I still don’t know who this is marketed towards, the entire film seemed highly insulting and I’m sad that I lost 2 hours of my life that could have been better spent reading a book or watching a film made by someone who actually gives a shit. This is the Human Centipede of 2012.