Kegstand is a simple Gnome with simple ambitions. He wants to drink and get others drunk. But along his journey he has found that being completely shitfaced can lead to some unexpected and potentially dangerous events.
Kegstand set out from Gnomeregan during Hallow’s End. He saw on the surface world endless legions of masked never dowells scarfing down dangerous amounts of candy. He looked upon them and realized that they were all mad.
He first scoured the lands of Loch Modan. Liberating and exterminating where necessary. Very few adventurers Kegstand came across were as interested in booze. Certainly not as much as he was. Occasionally he would hurl entire barrels at strangers but to no avail. He was offering free alcohol! Many grew aggravated and attacked him! The nerve. Kegstand marched around the Eastern Kingdoms preaching the gospel of Guinness. Trails of booze soaked bodies were left across the dank Duskwood and the arid Arathi Highlands.
Soon Kegstand felt like he might be doing more harm than good. So many dead and so few parties had. Perhaps it was time for him to return to Stormwind and find a new cause.
Kegstand saw a sign calling for help in a southern port town known by the locals as “Booty Bay”. If there was one thing Kegstand loved more than Booze it was booty. He glanced to the left and the right. Good, nobody had heard him. Perhaps he would stop saying everything he thinks.
Perhaps, maybe tomorrow, he would come back to this after a few more drinks.
Some untold hours later Kegstand woke up in front of a cow. He had a piece of paper in his hand with orders. He delivered the instructions to his bovine friend.
Bossy lowered her head and accepted her fate. Kegstand didn’t feel right doing this. It was only after another Gnome murdered her before his eyes that he realized he was too late.
That is, until she walked up passed him and stood over her own headless corpse. It faded into nothingness and there she stood. Kegstand looked at Bossy, looked down at his stein and then back at Bossy. Perhaps he would stop drinking.
Kegstand drew out a carving knife. Perhaps, but not today. He took the head to the Tauren Quest giver and handed it over.
Kegstand set out on his way to annihilate the Pirate scum. The gnome that had murdered Bossy just before him waved. She had a cute face about her and a pair of furry bear paws. Kegstand scratched his head and squinted at her. She looked awfully familiar. But then he didn’t even know what year it was so he couldn’t be bothered to remember much more. They decided to take out the pirate scourge together. Like Bonnie and Clyde, or wait, no. Like Donnie and Marie with less of a body count.
It didn’t take long before the pirates had Kegstand manning a massive cannon on a dingy. You might think Kegstand was dreaming it all up in another one of his deep liquored hallucinations. Normally you’d be right, but not this time.
After securing his place in the pirate guild, Kegstand began sabotaging their supplies and activating the splinter cells within each of the pirate ships. He rendeavoed with his partner in crime and they rode off into the sunset.
Or so Kegstand thought. He grabbed his payment from the Fleet Master. A brand spanking new bottle of their finest liquor. Kegstand popped the cork and took a swig. The entire world shook violently. He held the bottle away from him and gasped. This is some strong stuff! He thought. That is until a cannonball ripped through the wall and nearly took off his head.
Oh, he thought, I suppose we are under attack.
Kegstand rushed to the aid of his booze bringing brothers and drew arms against the incoming Pirate threat. Their numbers weakened they were still many hundreds strong. Booty Bay was in flame.
But nobody touches Kegstand’s Booty.
Kegstand stumbled through the pirate ship defeating pirate after pirate. They might have had blades and years of training but Kegstand had something they didn’t have.
A three foot tall sentient turnip.
It didn’t actually aid him in his battles but he had it.
Once the captain of the ship had fallen to his hand Kegstand made his way to the surface of the ship and began his escape. Unbeknownst to Kegstand a single pirate had been left alive on the ship. Just as he swung off the ship, the unthinkable happened.
The cannon blast flooded the air with thunderous noise. Hard iron raced through the sky and towards our Drunken-not really a hero but he’s trying. For a moment all non-piraty hearts skipped a beat. This had more to do with the general trauma of a wartime invasion but in the moment Kegstand liked to think it was because they all cared about his wellbeing.
And in that moment Kegstand realized the same thing that every first year Philosophy student realizes.
He thought, therefore he was clearly not killed by a cannonball.
Kegstand landed back on the docks of Booty Bay and promptly passed out. He woke up some unknown time later. His vision foggy and his back more sore than he could ever remember. He glanced over to his side and noticed the female gnome lying beside him. He quietly mumbled niiiiiiiice.
Kegstand snuck out as he so often does in moments like this. He reached the Booty Bay inn and noticed a wanted poster on the wall. It spoke of a land called the Western Plaguelands and promised riches for anyone willing to eliminate something called the Scourge.
He had ended the pirate scourge cleanly enough and been paid handsomely in booze and booty. The latter he wasn’t totally sure of but he wasn’t going to let something as quaint as reality get in the way of this moment. The ripped the poster off of the wall and jammed it into his pants. A few of the patrons glanced at him and began to mumble amongst themselves.
Kegstand reached into his pants and pulled out the note. He asked them if they wanted it back.
No, one of the patrons replied.
But normally people use their pockets.