I’ve heard before that AIDS was the punishment from Yahweh (often called God) to punish homosexuals. But considering that most of my closer faithful friends look at Christianity from the eyes of Jesus, and Jesus himself appears to have been a bro, and bros tend to not be assholes, I have devised my own theory on Yahweh and the emergence of AIDS.
Mostly because I’m bored and a recent story about AIDS treatment being denied to a homosexual person got me thinking. So here we go, I’m going to state this as fact because that’s what you do when you make up your own mind about these kinds of things.
I’ll also be calling Yahweh god because it is brilliant marketing and shorter.
There came a time when God believed that man would accept homosexuality with open arms, he had, after all, created them alongside the heterosexual people and had even sprinkled their kind among the animal kingdom. He believed that he had made it painfully obvious that being Gay was normal when he invented the Giraffe.
But God was appalled at what came to pass, these humans he had created with as much effort and thought as one puts into making an ice cream cone had come to despise one another. They looked for every reason to hate and segregate, to identify and destroy. Each time they would do it in his name, this annoyed him deeply seeing as he had signed a pact to not get involved unless he’s super bored. Seeing as in Heaven there are 90 seasons of Firefly it is obvious that such boredom will not come anytime soon.
Needless to say God had a plan, as he always does, and decided to create AIDS. This was a powerful disease, not since the likes of Job had he planned to punish someone innocent so harshly to prove a point to an entirely unrelated party. He would spread it initially among the homosexuals, this would create a powerful call to action throughout society. People would unite against this powerful evil and they would see that they have so much more in common than what they have different.
Time passed, the disease spread largely unabated. The US Government, often self labeled as a “Christian” organization had completely turned a blind eye to the disease because they believed it to be uniquely targeting homosexuals and obviously punishment for their ‘sins’. Oh what twisted irony, for they to be right about the targeting but wrong about who was being judged.
It was not merely homosexual and heterosexuals that God created, he also created the Bisexual, this was all part of an incredible plan set forth many eons past. Why? Well because God knows what every human is going to do and needs to punish them for a fate they cannot escape, it makes a lot of sense if you are a game programmer. Sephiroth has to die because you made him the bad guy, that’s how it goes.
But I digress, the AIDS spread and the heterosexuals turned a blind eye to it, their faith in a peaceful loving god obviously leading to hate, war, and bigotry. Nothing about this seems odd to them and why should it? I once had a perfect cup of coffee, sometimes nature finds a way.
So the AIDS spread to the bisexuals and into the blood supply through donations, these being things that God Foresaw. He smiled as his plans were coming to fruition but equally sighed at the obvious test that was being failed so miserably. If this were a game of Tic-Tac-Toe, the humans would always be going first but putting their X in the top middle square.
Finally the AIDS spread to the heterosexuals, the judgment was upon them. They had to now unite and find a cure, where once it was manageable and surmountable it had become great and devious. Their sins, their hate, it had all come to betray them just as God knew it would.
This is why every kind of person is in danger of acquiring AIDS, it is most commonly now spread through the act of love. For nothing be more Jobian than putting sheer terror on the backs of the minds of those who love one another.