Turd Talk, Porcelain Pandering, Crappy Conversation, etc…

//Turd Talk, Porcelain Pandering, Crappy Conversation, etc…

Turd Talk, Porcelain Pandering, Crappy Conversation, etc…

TURDLE get it?  I was trying to think of what I wanted to write about and frankly I’ve had something on my mind for the last couple of weeks. As you may or may not know, or care to know, I’ve had some remarkably consistent abdominal pain that didn’t really seem to care just what it was related to. I first thought it was bladder, then I thought it might be cancer, then doctors started poking at me and doing tests and it looked like I was just insane. Finally I noted that I was having a particularly unhappy crappy time and thought, oh my goodness, this is the case each time that random pain starts patrolling my body like an angry fascist army.

  So I decided to try and do something about it, the first of my attempts after this revelation was to try fiber, Metamucil basically, but the store brand. I gave it a run and kept up with the online warnings, folks mention that you shouldn’t expect it to be like magic and turn your life around overnight. I also felt like this was something that only old folks take alongside prune juice and beating the neighbors kids.

  Well I’ll be diggity gosh darned if it hasn’t had a remarkable impact on my life. Now I’m still sore but we are talking the difference between agony and a mere tenderness. The kind of difference that I think is pretty big and worth a bit of a conversation. And really I’m sure a few folks out there thing I’m full of shit anyways, so may as well have at least one discussion about the topic.

  You might be thinking to yourself “But Mike, I’m not getting my ass kicked by potty time, why would I need to or want to try this?” Well to you I say cleanup! On the internet I constantly hear folks joking about how their ass takes a thousand wipes just to get anything close to cleanliness. Try some fiber, you will be shocked. There might be a mangrove between your cheeks but with a nice solid intake of fiber you will be coming away from the wipe with either a lightly punished tissue or it’ll look like you never went.

  But be sure not to forget that you have indeed taken a trump, because if you forget to flush someone in your family or office is going to be furious. It’s just not a fun surprise.

  So even if the pain relief has been entirely in my head, which is plausible, the improvement to secondary aspect of my life has certainly made it something I’m willing to keep up with.

  My advice would be to drink it with a straw, if you just use a spoon it will likely jell up like an angry man-o-war and it makes the experience less than nice. Using a straw you can keep it evenly mixed and you get a sweet treat (presuming you get flavored) with each slurp of the straw.

  Now that we’ve gotten that poo pandering out of the way lets move onto the second thing I’ve tried.: Peppermint Oil pills. Now these things are unusual in that the instructions for taking them are more complicated than any hard over the counter drug I’ve ever been given. You want to take them on an empty stomach with just enough water to get them down, then wait between 15 minutes and an hour to eat.

  If you manage that you will be surprised at how well it sooths the innards. On the flip side if you do what I did and don’t follow these instructions you will end up with an ice cold stomach, candy cane breath, and a throat that is 5 degrees above absolute zero.

  I’m serious I was like Victor Friggen Freeze, had I been a bit taller I’d have turned to a life of Super Villainy. Apparently the danger of having it pop in your stomach is that its very good at causing heart burn, given that its like swallowing the arctic ocean I suppose I can see why.

  The bottle says that you should take it under the supervision of a Physician, I have naturally ignored this warning seeing as I have found no cautionary tails anywhere about it. With that you will likely Google and find out that it causes sterility and sudden death, but we all make sacrifices for fresh breath.

  One moment, I need to change the song, Cee Lo Green is apparently feigning an orgasm on “Bodies”. How about some Sinatra? That’s good pooping music if ever there was.

  Another interesting side effect of these regimental changes is that with less pain I have become more relaxed about the situation which is good because most of the data I have and both doctors I’ve met have said is crucial to actually getting better. Will it last? Who knows, maybe next week one of my bosses will snap and my life will be ruined again.

  I can’t say for sure and I’m not going to dwell on it, with each passing day I find myself turning more and more into Bob Ross, minus the talent or the fantastic beard. Seriously that must have been where he stored all his power.

  So now you know, these are my number one bits of advice about your number two. IF you find yourself having a terrible clean up issue, if your experiences are inconsistent, if Taco Bell is absolutely destroying you, if any of this ore more frankly, give the stuff a shot. Follow the instructions carefully, be slightly patient, and you’ll be crapping like a healthy kid in no time.

  You might be thinking “Why not a better diet?” But trust me, my diet is much better than just about anyone you know (probably if you are American). That wasn’t helping this particular issue, but I highly suggest you be vigilant about what you eat. Your diet is the most important thing in your entire life, slipping up there will hurt you everywhere. You’ll live less long, be less healthy, and overall be less happy as a person. This impacts relationships, jobs, and general quality of life.

  So don’t let anything be a permanent crutch, solve the problem at its source. But when you are working towards that butter zone it can’t hurt to try and help it along with some nice (and presumably safe) aids.

  Oh yeah, I’m not a physician, just a guy who thinks a little too much about a little too much. Don’t forget to visit your doctor for a checkup yearly, it could be the difference between life and death. Toodles!


[Any horrendous Typos in this are likely related to my writing it a large distance from the screen. I’m mostly working off muscle memory and hoping my fingers don’t slip).

By | 2012-11-30T00:43:10+00:00 November 30th, 2012|Journal|Comments Off on Turd Talk, Porcelain Pandering, Crappy Conversation, etc…