"The Mona Lola" Journal

Disembodied


  So in the last couple of months I’ve had a couple of close together dental emergencies. In both cases it was a filling that basically shattered. I’m apparently a very hardcore eater. In the past I’ve damaged my knees and nearly broke my spine (or rather someone else tried to break my spine). In each case I am left in a moment where I feel utterly disembodied.

  I feel myself entirely separate from my own body and immediately can sympathize with people who believe in a soul. I feel like I am a separate entity that exists within a flesh proxy. My teeth might break, my knees might pop, and my eyes might ache but my brain still feels fresh and new. The me, inside of this, feels utterly great.  There are exceptions, sometimes depression cuts into me like a knife and even my me falls apart.

  But that’s rare and not nearly as common as my own physical frailties. It seems strange to me that an injury to my body could leave the me I know best dead. It is very peculiar that you could stare at your own torso bleeding out, panicking as the machinery that moves your you falls apart.

  I think if there ever came a time where my body was failing and I had the option of moving me into a machine of some kind I probably would. Ideally I’d like to keep my current body but with wolverine like regeneration, that I think would be acceptable and fit more in line with how my mind feels. I can scar it but the me that rests within will heal and grow stronger. The only place I feel that the tired phrase “whatever doesn’t kill you…” fits is with my own mind. So many injuries and so many trip ups and throughout it all I ended up with me, and that’s satisfactory.

  If I may say so myself.

  It’s not even a matter of coming to terms with my mortality, its more being bothered by my own frailty. Where was the card to punch to be a stone giant or an ogre? Some sort of super durable regenerating being that lives a few eternities before, perhaps, deciding they’d like to check out the void.

  What a strange setup this is. While I still find it silly I do see how it could breed fear, I do see how one could feel a prisoner of their own body, and I can see how someone would want to hope beyond all else that there was truly a separation of the two.

  I can feel one in the metaphysical sense, a disconnect between my brain and my body. I realize my brain is quite literally a part of my body but I can assure you that it thinks of itself to be much more important. I know for certain because it told me.

  So yeah, that thoughts been nagging at me for a while. He’s hoping for well designed nano-machines to keep me ticking long after the last clock stops.