Every couple of minutes one of our kittens (Artemis) comes into the room and sees the faint reflection of herself in our glass sliding doors upstairs. It’s interesting because the mirror doors in the other room don’t give her any pause, yet this faint silhouette of her is causing her to go into high alert. She chirps and bolts back and forth taking various aggressive stances. Her tail is bushed out and standing straight to the stars.
It’s possibly one of the cutest things I’ve seen in my entire life, and I’m hoping that the short break she’s taken to go stalk her mother in the other room will end soon, because this is showing no signs of getting old. One time thus far she’s hopped back into the cord of my headphones, flipped out, and thrown the headphones from the bed to the ground.
We’ve been cleaning this week and it has been very therapeutic. Taking tubs of old crap to the dumpster is very liberating, I can feel progress which I haven’t felt in some time now. You see the floor opening up, the closets getting a little more empty. We’ve even taken a pretty thorough run of the upstairs bathroom (though I still need to wash the floor in there) and so it is sparkling white and smells like a pool.
It’s largely my fault, I got off the horse for my writing. It’s been mostly theorycrafting in my head, talking about plot lines and characters but no actual writing. This was a grave mistake, I didn’t realize how much my story was helping keep my mind off work. When half your life is running in a hamster wheel it is important to make sure the other half includes something productive, something to look forward to, something to give you hope.
I’m actually a bit curious about the math. You figure I work 10-7 4 days a week. That’s 9 hours, then I work 9-5 which is 8 hours. 9*4+8 is 44 hours. I sleep somewhere between 6-7 hours a day, which is 30 hours a week. So now we have 74 hours of time that isn’t spent progressing in anything (albeit I like sleeping). There are 168 hours total in a week, so 44% of the week is spent either sleeping or working. There is probably another 1-2 hours each day spent in transition of some kind, but I don’t feel like getting too in depth.
So yes, about half the week is spent going nowhere. Sure you earn a paycheck or revitalize your body and mind but its really just taking you back to neutral. In fact, sales based work where you are not the creator is a nice mirror of sleeping. Each month you get more and more tired, till the month ends and everything resets putting you back at the original starting point.
Also being outside the creative process is painful for me, it is not something I am built for. Watching other people lazily work on things drives me mad, to see their lack of passion is almost insulting. Maybe I’m wrong and they are passionate, but if they are they certainly don’t show it. That lack of passion is infectious, it kills my drive and my spirit and in the end I barely have the energy to complain about not having energy.
I literally turned on a game today and then turned it off, I didn’t have the drive to do anything in it. This wasn’t just any game either, it was Skyrim, I really like that game, yet I couldn’t get the will to go on. So it is very nice for me to be helping, in every little way I can, to clean the house. To see something come to fruition.
I hope that I can then put that spark back into my writing. These daily posts have been important, really they aren’t much more than me talking to me. In my mind there is a hope that somewhere out there there are enough people with like minds that they connect, see something of value, but even if such is not the case these are still not wasted time.
Keep writing, keep hoping, and work to get that spark back, get that energy back. Perhaps try and disconnect myself from work? I should probably not care as much about projects if I can’t count on the creators to do the same, in the end its my heart and spirit that is broken, they go on to other failed projects and get those paychecks.
That may indeed be the ticket. I think I’m on the first step after separating my personal and my professional MSN’s, that was an act long overdue.