So I think at least up to this year’s Wrestlemania I’m going to write about Monday Night Raw. I haven’t watched it in almost 10 years, perhaps longer. But with the recent return of Shane McMahon I’m interested to see what happens. This first episode is so far great! We are ten minutes in and the audience is as much a character as the wrestlers themselves. They are cheering for Shane, chanting as he speaks. And when Vince slips out they start shitting all over him. It’s great.
Wrestling is a stage play. Sure it has punches, and chairs, and death defying falls. But it’s still a stage play with amusing characters. I mean, honestly, they’ve got an “undead” guy in the show. Anywho. The interplay between these two guys is still going strong (13 minutes in). Haha wow, Vince is being a fantastic dick. This is great. He’s taking heel to a whole new level. Beast mooooooooooode! Shane is in his 40’s now but I’m so jazzed haha. Oh shit! Hah. That was great. That guy did not make it over the ropes and just got hurled. The guy holding his head on the ground might not be joking. You could hear him hit the mat after the fumbled rope tumble.
The new announcers aren’t bad. JBL almost fills the void of Jim Ross. He has the accent, not quite the passion. The other two guys aren’t nearly as good as Lawler though. Darn shame. We’ll see if they grow on me.
First match time. Owens has a fantastic beard, but…holy shit…what’s up with this Neville guy? He’s built like a cartoon character. A body shouldn’t have that shape outside of a video game. I don’t know what that guy is drinking but I’ll take twenty. Oh cute, Kevin Owens is “KO”. I like it. He just shit on one of the announcers, its not JBL, I can relate, Kevin. Ooooh. The microphones are really good these days. OH SHIT! Damn I would not want that guy to fall on me.
Ok, Neville looks amazing but I like this Kevin Owens guy. Oh shit. Time for Majin Buu to drop the heat. Damn, nice leg work. Oh shit! That was beautiful. These guys are selling everything. Damn, even that Hurricanrana is awesome too. Damn, the acrobatics is off the chains. Oh good, thanks Snickers for this replay. CRUSH HIM! Oh shit, that was one of the most beautiful german suplexes I’ve ever seen. Even the ref was like “Fuck bro, you dead?” Oh god, double thanks Snickers. I don’t want one, but they are delivering on the goods.
Oh sweet baby jesus. That was the raddest shooting star press I’ve ever seen I think. I can’t imagine the padding on those outside mats is great. That probably hurt like hell for Neville (much more than owens). Holy shit, space man did another press from standing. This dude genuinely is some dragon ball level bullshit. I love it. I don’t know what he’s about to do, but I bet it’ll be rad. Lol, he just got chin kicked. Oh dude, Kevin might have just shattered his Owens.
Oh man, that was slick as hell. Neville twirled through the air like a feather in a hurricane. OH SHIT! That was fantastic, that victory was so quick and unexpected. I love it. You don’t always get some bombastic finisher. Ooooh, is Kevin a heel? “Shoulder post to the post.” You aren’t very good at this not-JBL.
Don’t you break Neville, if you don’t kill him he’ll just come back stronger in the next episode.
Oh shit who is this? I love his music. Quick announcer say his name slower. Who is it!
Insane something. His music is the most magical thing. Insane Zane?
Oh shit, Zane apparently is drinking from the nectar of the gods too. I should work out more, jesus.
Once again the audience is really into this. Reminds me of what I used to love about this stuff. I’m still not sure who of these characters I like more. Neville looks amazing. Zane has awesome music, and Kevin Owens is as giant cuddle cannonball.
Rock on Twitter? Makes sense I guess. Charming dude.
What do I get when I subscribe to the WWE Network? Well, a 30 day delay on Raw for one >.>… But at least I’ll get to see Wrestlemania.
Ok…the guy opposite of JBL is kinda fun. But I really don’t like not-JBL. I think he accidentally forgot to shave. Something is growing on his chin and it troubles me. Ah, nice, Flashback. Not-Triple H has a great look. “I’m Cartman around here.” – Triple H.
Dean, oh, that’s Dean Ambrose right. That’s a slick punch. Man, the Pedigree still looks great after all these years. I’m glad he didn’t change it. “Hunter, Thanks.” lol. This guy is great.
Who are these guys? Blonde guy beat the authority. Nice tie. His name is Dolphin? That’s fantastic. Dolphin Vs. League of Nations. Seaworld must be so jealous right now.
Oh shit, next match is underway. Diva fight apparently. Apparently there is a lady named after cheese on WWE now.
Brie versus um…Summer. Alright, I can dig it. A little embarassing that Summer and I are wearing the same outfit. Oh god, preview of a reality show.
Oh good, it is over.
Damn, Summer is really selling those stomps. Chicken wing time. Aw, kinda half winging it now. Oooh nice leg catch. I have no idea what the announcers are talking about. Apparently pining for the NFL. Summer is forgetting to let the foot hit her before reacting.
Oh shit! Cheese mode!
And punked. That was a quick win.
Oh shit, nice drop from Lana. That was pretty good. I have no idea what’s going on but that happened.
Dean in Jeans. Mean Dean in Jeans. Speaking of Ambrosia…
“It’s all about hashtag [uncomfortably long pause] wwe~” – not-JBL.
This guy seems fun. I like the jacket. Kinda waiting for him to start a random fight in an RPG.
Ooooh he’s spicey. ULTRA ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
“This face is gonna be on Oprah.”
Hah, yeah he’s great. I’ll throw him on the list of fun people thus far. “I don’t even know how to work a lapel pin.” You and me both, dude.
Good timing. Whoa, what the hell to TripleH’s logo. Someone needs to lay off the caffeine when making this stuff.
“Save Us Crossfit Jesus” Sign in the crowd. Glorious.
Ooooh sick burn. “You want to know what I am?” Desperately missing Sean Michaels.
Boo, old man make me sad. Jokes aside though, he’s staying fit. Good on him.
Someone should file an alert for whoever stole the necks of all the League of Nations members.
Ah ok, Triple H’s logo is from motorhead I guess. Right.
Wait…Dolph Ziggler? That’s not as good as Dolphin. He’s staying Dolphin I think.
Cute use of twitter to introduce the real world into the fantasy.
I hope Rusev has a corkscrew piledriver, if he doesn’t I’ll be woefully disappointed.
So yeah, onto Match 3? Yeah, I think 3.
Ah, ok, so JBL is supposed to be a butt kisser. Darn shame, waste of a good announcer. At least I think that’s JBL.
Yeah, it’s JBL. Tragic. Alright, back to the match.
Ooooh that was a pretty slick drop. I don’t know the names of these guys so I’ll do my best.
Alright! Zangief is tagged in! His name is Shamus? No, I refuse. He’s Zangief.
Rusef is a crusher.
Oh shit! Foot stomp. Simple but effective.
Hey buddy, don’t spin too fast, you’ll get dizzy.
Yeah, they need better announcers. What a shame.
Oh nice click, good pop. Zangief has got to be the palest wrestler I’ve ever seen. This is fantastic. He’s almost glowing.
Oh shit. That DDT was glorious. In 20 years people will tell their kids of the day they saw that DDT. “Some say he’s still falling.”
Nice superkick. Sean would be proud. Alright, one guy down. Now it’s just Rusef and Zangief.
Oh shit, that was a beautiful kick followed by another beautiful kick. And the fight is over much earlier than I was expecting. Lots of surprises tonight. I like the guy who got pinned coming in and cheering. Bruh, you were the weak point.
“His patented bro kick.”
I pray I heard that wrong.
Yatta! They seem to say, throwing their hands into the air.
“It’s okay brother, you are failure but we make man out of you.”
Showing the earlier bit with Shane again. That guy who gets stuck on the rope still kills me. And maybe him too a bit. I bet that was very unpleasant.
Ok, officially Byron Saxton is a good announcer. JBLs character is kinda shit at the moment, and…I’ve already forgotten not-JBLs name again.
Quick recap of Shane’s history before I end this for tonight. Unfortunately it was too late for me to watch the entire thing. But next week hopefully I’ll be able to do it in one. Shane really is one of the best sellers that I can remember from when I used to watch. A lot of the shit he did was absolutely crazy. Even some of the stuff they’ve shown in this video could have seriously killed the dude. That’s what makes this stuff so amazing to me. It’s a play, sure, and these are actors, but the things they do are unbelievable. Like a building full of Jackie Chan’s, all doing their own stunts and defying death routinely.
I’d love to see what he could do with the show. And that’s that for tonight. Ended on a high note in my opinion. That was a good reminder of what the show used to be. Would be cool to see it again.