I frequent Destructoid (as you probably know if you are reading this), one of the most popular concessions made on the website is that your waifu, whoever she be, is trash. This profound discovery was first unearthed by Torchman and has since swept the website to be a well known fact of the universe.
But much like the first raindrop before the flood, this is only the beginning. Did you know that everything you like is garbage? It’s true! I can understand how you might be confused. “I genuinely like it.” You think. It’s a natural mistake, you’ve spotted a mirage in the desert but dehydration forces your otherwise rational brain to accept the impossible. You think you’ve come across something good, something worth enjoying, something worth chuckling with friends (new and old) about. But you haven’t.
I, as a higher form of being, am here to explain to you why you are wrong and why everything you like is garbage. Being a realist is a process demanding of precision. It’s a pretty clean science, so I doubt there will be any arguments about any of the points. Otherwise that would make you stupid, and who wants to be stupid /and/ wrong? That’s right, relatively few people.
#1) Popularity is inverse to quality.
If you like something, and other people like that thing, the collective incorrectness of all those involved leads to a vast dense mass of wrongness. Did you not realize that what you like is garbage? Were you hoping that by combining your garbage with the garbage of those around you that you might get a Trubbish or something? If so, kudos, that’s a rock solid plan that has absolutely no flaws.
But, if you thought you were enjoying something. You were wrong. If other people are enjoying that thing it makes you even more wrong. And the more popular something is, the more garbage it is. This is a fact. I am better than you and I’m here to help you be better.
If I’m not there to tell you this truth, I can assure you someone else will. As your betters that is our purpose in life.
Did you realize that the thing you like will not always be the hot topic? Someday, be it a year, two ears, seven epoches, or even moments before the heat death of the universe, that thing you like will stop being popular. Sure we could talk about hedonic treadmills, or how mentioning this reality makes people look like they eat glue, but the fact remains that it happens. You won’t like that new thing forever, so that thing is garbage. That food you thought you liked before? Well if you don’t want to fuck it now you were always lying to yourself.
Tastes never change, people only come closer to enlightenment by hating things they once loved.
This is one of those things that I wish more peasants would understand. Anything popular that doesn’t last forever was a lie. It was built upon a house of cards that itself was built upon a foundation of sand. It lies between the borders of folly and foolishness. So either enjoy things that never depreciate in value or get off the comments sections. Nobody wants to see how you like a lie. That thing is garbage, stop embarrassing yourself.
“This is you.”
#3) I don’t get it.
As we’ve established at least once in this eloquent and entirely bulletproof instructional guide, I am better than you. You might not realize it. I forgive you, folks weren’t aware they were standing before the son of god many moons ago. And sure, that one lead to murder, but I’m in a better place than Jesus. Jesus liked things, I’ve read that he liked all people. You know what that means?
Yep, he was calling everyone garbage. Now that’s rude.
But back to the point at hand. You like something that I don’t. I don’t get it. Obviously I’m objectively better than you, so you are wrong. The next thing we need to establish is why. The previously cited “I said so” is good enough, but there must be something deeper.
Perhaps it was an evolutionary divide that separated us? History directing humanity in two directions. One of harmony and another of discord. You blindly travel further into the abyss of ignorance while I float ever higher towards a greater conscious.
The idea of someone being more aware than me is silly, surely, but one must presume that I can’t already be the literal greatest mind in all of creation. I mean, it would not surprise me, being how great I am. But perhaps, perhaps I shouldn’t deny myself.
The thing you like is garbage. I didn’t buy it, I didn’t even like it during the marketing campaign that preceded its release. It’s not even in a genre that I like. What is even the point? If it isn’t about me, and my interests, then why even make it? I’m better than everything, everyone, and I’m so smart it hurts.
Do you realize I have a computer? I mean, come on now, I’m basically the best ever.
#4) It isn’t perfect.
Did you notice that flaw? It might not bother you, being of a lower stock, but it infuriates me. How can anyone like anything that isn’t absolutely perfect. What feels to you like an inconsequential hairline scratch in the polish is for me a reason to toss the entire car into a gully. It’s a waste, how can anyone drive from point A to point B without a perfectly painted car?
Exactly, you can’t, it is literally impossible.
Until you find an interest that is perfect, I don’t want to hear about it. Stop posting news articles about these things. They are all garbage. It’s a waste of my time, and your time, and everyone else’s time. Sure, only one of those times actually holds any value, but I don’t appreciate waste.
Which is why I absolutely hate this thing you like. Did you even notice it doesn’t have that thing I think is the most important thing?
#5) Cynicism is a sign of higher intelligence.
I really do pity you. You come into comment sections, or read twitter, or even scan the latest game review for something, and you just don’t get it. You see those relentless lines of cynicism for every little thing and you can’t understand the true value of their being.
Being needlessly negative is how you show people you are amazing. It’s so perfect we call it “being realistic.” Because that’s what it is, reality. It is the highest form of bragging allowed by the upper class. While to everyone around you, you might look like the world’s most giant fool. Sure, your comments will eternally paint you online as a petty, urine soaked, sack of cow turds. That doesn’t matter. Because when you enlighten them, you feel better.
And you should! Cynicism is the only thing that isn’t garbage. It is a paradoxical phoenix that rises from the very ashes it burns itself to. Without the ability to hate on everything, where would we be? Nobody can like anything. Nothing is eternal, everyone dies, and the world is shit.
Don’t let people come at you with things like facts. The moment you start having an “unrealistic” outlook on life or the moment you start “not being an insufferable prick” are the very seconds in your life you’ll look back on someday and regret the most.
The first step to true enlightenment is knowing that the things you like are garbage. After that, you need to preach the gospel to everyone else. They need to know that their interests are also garbage. That nothing in this world is worth enjoying because nothing in this world is perfect and eternal.
There is always a flaw, always a time limit, always some kind of problem. And in that kind of world, why even bother? Why have fun at all. Just seems like a waste of your time, really.
The best thing you can do is be a relentless asshole on every platform of communication you can have online. It’ll make your genitals tingly, make other people smarter, and it’ll just generally improve the world. Plus, lets be real, its super cool and edgy. And everyone wants to be super cool and edgy.
Shame those things are garbage though…