So I don’t normally eat from Papa Johns. There’s something about a guy in a castle bitching about taxes and paying his employees that just doesn’t sit well with me. Unfortunately today we didn’t actually have much choice. Turns out that just about everywhere around here closes around 11pm or so, according to google. So I call the local PJs and decide to work this whole ordeal out.
“I would like to order ‘The Meats'”. To which they respond “So Sausage, Pepperoni, and Mushrooms?” I glance at my laptop screen to see that the meats gets its name by the luxury of just being one giant suicide on cheese. There are no mushrooms, no vegetables of any kind. You could feed and consequently destroy the arteries of a family of 9 with the amount of red majesty all over this thing.
“No, its the Meats. It has…” He cuts me off. “I’ve got it. I’m just, new to, phone. This is my first.” Ah, fair enough. I’ve been there. Alright.
“I’d also like a side of garlic Parmesan bread sticks.” He responds “Garlic cheese sticks?” I correct him “No, Bread sticks.”
Finally, because if I’m going to die tonight I might as well go out swinging. I order a Root Beer.
An hour passes and the food gets here. I tip the delivery person because that’s a thing you must do because PJs isn’t going to pay them enough to get by. That would be just asking too much of a business.
I open the Pizza to find that it is Sausage, and only barely that. Later I’ll add a photo this so that you can enjoy it with me. But for now merely use your imagination.
I call the place. “We are closed.” I realize this, but I’m not trying to order. “I’m sorry, I just ordered a “The Meats” and was send a Sausage Pizza.” This might sound petty, but its a 4 dollar difference. I’m not quite so wealthy a person that this doesn’t bother me. “I…the oven has been shut off for 20 minutes. I could start it back up and get something out to you.” Sweet Jesus. It’s a 4 dollar difference, I feel like the obvious solution is to just give me the 4 dollars. Do people really expect a closed Pizza Place to ship out Pizzas after hours? What the fuck.
She reads the order back to me. “The Meats with Extra Sausage.” I…what? Well I got the “extra sausage” part of the Pizza I guess. And I didn’t hear what she said about the breadsticks, but also she mentioned root beer (which we got).
Ultimately we work out that I’ll get a complimentary Pizza tomorrow. That sounds good on the surface but I’ll feel like an asshole if I don’t give the driver some kind of tip. It isn’t the driver’s fault they are both underpaid and delivering me the remains of what I ordered the day prior.
She hung up on me abruptly mid sentence after telling me to call back after 5 tomorrow. Her tone made it clear that I appeared to her as another faceless asshole. Which is why I took a picture of my Pizza. I already know that stores don’t trust customers, they know folks just want free shit. And frankly, I’d much rather just have the 4 dollar difference from the Pizza and the 1 dollar difference from the Bread sticks.
Why the bread sticks you ask?
We got plain bread sticks. Apparently when he asked “garlic cheese or garlic bread” and I said “bread” he took that to mean “Neither of the two options I gave, a new third option that amounts to just rolled Pizza crust.”
Ultimately this all would be a whole lot easier if Papa John’s actually had itemized receipts and if folks double checked their work. I don’t think it is too much of a hope that my order would be at least 50% correct. Being mildly flustered by a 33% accuracy rate shouldn’t leave me feeling like a jerk. I feel like this is my punishment for breaking a fairly long running avoidance of their food. :/